As She Walks Out

1.
We built this shipwreck with more than language
We couldn't change a course for future
Voyages
Destinations on target
Like homing pigeons
Which carry diseases
She never buried herself under a mantle of perfection
She knew there was always room for improvement
So it was right to walk out
To walk out on me

Mistakes mistaken
And thoughts taken back
But it's not possible
It's not conceivable
That something of this nature
Effects one but not the other

Above the spires of the castle
That's not a moon
That's a heart
She could look at me with passion
But I gave as much as I got
I walked out
Only one time
And I never fully came back
I would cross the Atlantic to find you
But there's no map here
There's no apologies for the mess
She cut me through the stomach
She dragged me across the coals
She killed everyone stone dead
She left no scent behind
The apartment was not unforgiving
It was all that's been said about it
And I took to cleaning it
In a vain attempt to control the outcome
The die was cast
The anvils hit the molten metal
And the pounding echoed in my head

My heart
High above castle walls
If the angels knew my plight
They took no action
The devils laughed at me
It was this separation from divine intervention
That is where I ended up
My only hope was for a memory that pre-dated her
Maybe times with drugs
When I was young and naïve
Before I turned bitter
Before I changed for the worse

The lack of perfection was as good an excuse as any
But it never gets any easier
To relax
I would cross the country searching for your ghost
If a voice would whisper, "You are free"
Words are imperfect and destined to be destroyed in your wake
You isolate the pain inside me
Which I should be thankful for
No more of this clumsy everything-at-once emotional fishook
You isolate the breadth of desire
And speed up the particles
This builds a pressure chamber
Always set to explode
Under different circumstances I would be impressed
When the sun's rays reach the vertical limit
Of the horizon
We will put down our guns
And walk away

2.
Five hundred miles away I sometimes still find strands of your hair
In my clothes
On my bedspread
How did it follow me this far?
What strange brand of justice have I called down
To be cursed with your hair two years later?
I place them on the frame of the picture
Of me and you in continental dress
And it looks like spiderwebs
These are all just symbols
And they haunt me
So far away from you

As she walked out I did not cry
I did not break down
I did not reach for the hands that offered
I merely fell into their arms
Too weary to respond
In anything other than monotones
I want the tears to fall inside you
As you grieve for the damage
And not the loss
And I will remain
Eternally Inside you

3.
It took me five days to find my way back to you
Although I never left
But I could never return
There's just enough water left
For one last pill
And we both know
One pill
Leads to another
Leads to a handful
And you deal with it the morning after
There has to be a morning after

I woke in shades of green
The red burned out by certainty
There were more tears than accusations
How do you forgive
The one that made you cry?
It was quiet resignation
As one about to fly through the windshield
We could plead our case before angels
But we know we're both guilty
And they would spit on us
For the actions we call love
We taint everything

I can watch films of buildings collapsing
And wonder where the designer is
And know that he must be watching
This collapse
From afar
Just as I
Just as I watch
Just as I collapsed
We turn to spectators
We confuse the angels
Of our better nature
With the devils
Of our worst actions
Until it's all one mess
We can't walk away from

I scream defiantly
Into the dark light
Into the passages of mountain air
I've gone one million miles
And how far did I get?
Among angels of disbelief
My heart has flown
It's been pricked by pins
And plastered in lead
To be preserved
I build walls
Like the spires of the castle
My heart above it
And no one
Getting closer
Than absolutely necessary

The whole world is rotting
And I try to find the beauty
That eludes me
Allusions to a happier time
What is built in this place
Can be torn down
With a wrecking ball
And just one more pill
Should do the trick
I thought there was a dividing line between
Night and day
And good and bad
But as the darkness falls
There is no light
There is no sky
There are merely tail lights
As cars and people move farther from me
Going anywhere
But here
Where I stay
Since she walked out
But can I apologize
For doing everything
You accuse me of?
Because I've admitted it to everyone
I won't deny my mistakes mistaken
Could you have walked out on me
If I had been able to reach you?
The ghostly twilight
Is the only time I realize I'm alive
And water
Above all
Flows downward
Always downward

You are the hour hand
Without the minute hand
And I am just seconds
Waiting to expire
I could have washed the poison from my soul
And held you down
By the wrists
Armed to the teeth
Until you forgave
Stars fly around the castle walls
Putting stardust in my head
She killed everyone stone dead

And I walk
Half awake
Half gone for good
When I walk
Building up a thirst
That only she could quench
I would drink her overflow
Just to feel her again
For a second
Or a second chance
I could take you back so easily
But you walked out on me
And I have to have protections
I have to build these walls
Because you penetrated the core

4.
These angels
So anemic
Can hold hands
With us
In a three person circle
Standing on light
The light
This city is a graveyard
Where plastics go to die
Where stone is made up of bad intentions
It's not a lifeline
It's a noose
It's a rope
Tied to a rock
Standing on the dock
The time has not changed since you've been gone
It was warped at first
Not progressing as normal
But days turn to weeks
And weeks to months
Until you are a memory
That is not distant
Because you never leave
You always stay
Right in my heart
High above the castle walls
And what is right in the heart
Is wrong in the world
Because it's all clockwork
It's all broken gears grinding until death

So I'm down to just this room
Like I'm watching scenes
From someone else's life
And I always have to know the answer
I always have to have the truth
To leave me fucked up
Bewildered
Run amok
Confused
And hurt
Always hurt
Without any emotion left out
I didn't fight the current
Didn't look forwards
Merely waited for land to appear
And I landed
Before the end
Washed up
And it feels as though I may never escape
This island
Get me back to your arms
You've always been so far away
Away from my arms
And even when I felt you
I knew that it wouldn't last
I pinned my hopes on the lottery
And lost it all
But what does it profit a man
If he gains the world
But loses his soul?
These lines I write to reach you
From this coffin I call my home
Are all that remains of us
And you were always right here with me
Haunting these castle walls
Making me go on
I must go on without you
I must build these walls
I must replay the incident
Travelling through the windshield
From the safety of this ward
Where I washed up

This is the honeymoon
For our dirty wedding
Sealed with a kiss
Separate rooms
And scarlet blood ribbons
To mark the territory of your regret
Of your control over pain
We argued over this
We made love
In a bed
You later shared with someone else
While I cried 500 miles away
Inside my castle walls
You were always here with me
Glistening in the fog
Changing shapes
To make square pegs
For round holes
I changed too
I grew bitter
I grew vengeful
I grew hostile
I grew up

The dead speak to me
In curses
Indignant
That I could let myself die so young
You were always here with me
Inside the castle walls
You killed me stone dead
And I was born again
I will not make the same mistakes again
And that's the best I have to offer
After she walked out on me