Barely Speaking

I’m in love with a lover that’s dead

Spitting out apple cores

Dropping a dime to turn myself in

I’m a nervous wreck

I’m jaded and bruised

And beat up, upset

I prayed to God once for a nice life

He made me an emotional cripple

Took away my last dollar

As I take my chances as an autograph signer

I’ll never make it past forty

It’s weird to know your own age

It’s weird to die while you’re still living

And have to dig yourself out of the grave

My skin’s not white anymore, it’s gray

I think the blood beneath colors it that way

I can’t live for tomorrow when I’m stuck in today

I think I lived half my life and threw the rest away

If you want to come and save me

Leave a trail of pennies behind you

It’s a map to my ground zero

And will be useful to remind you

Just put your hands in the air and no one gets hurt

I’ve got a gun on layaway

I’ve got a mind full of slow action

But my blacks and whites don’t leave room for grays

The ones that love me aren’t as vocal

As the ones that hate me always were

If I keep running this fast

Everything remains just a blur

And while I’m standing here with a credit card balance

There are people making money with less talent

I know there’s a piece of me that still fights them

But in the peace of sleep it fades out to nightmares

By your walk I’d say you’ve got a few dollars

By your smile I’d say you’ve got too many locks

And I try to force a smile back at you

But my face is hidden by this dark spot

It hovers just near my mouth

Waiting to strangle the words that come out

I’m a writer who has run out of ink

So now I’m telling you exactly what I think

I’m trying so hard to not be negative and at my best

But it’s like I just got a positive on an AIDS test

And while you’re laughing and having a drink

I’m trying to find a way to crawl down the sink

That’s why I’m crossing out my name

That’s why I’m looking for someone to blame

It’s the same way you can’t keep track the days

When I give you my life savings and you don’t give me any change

This is a gift I never would have asked

It’s like I sold my soul to you

And now I have to buy it back

If this is real life just for the fuck of it

I don’t want to die thinking there wasn’t enough of it

You let me down so easily

I stumble over myself so readily

Because you’re not there to help steady me

And a poem falls flat if there’s no one to read it

If you need to humiliate me every time you speak my name

Just know that you opened the checkbook and wrote your name

I wish I could pay everyone back for good

Because I’m not a never was

I’m just a never could

And now this noose of language is choking me tighter

Everything I see is getting lighter

I’m praying that you’ll save me

But I should have asked nicer