Nial, Some Girl and I Save the World

I sat like the worst kid in reform school

Breaking chairs over the heads of conformed fools

They never should have let me near the place

Said I was a magician with a painted-mustache face

Reached up my own ass and pulled out the ace of spades

It all started when my brother dropped acid

I gave it to him and he jumped off the roof on his head

But I said fuck it and taped his brains back in

Maybe you’ve seen him at Wal-Mart

Greeting you as you’re walking in

So my mother sent me to Texas on a plane

Wearing a sign that said

“Look what I did to my brother’s poor brain”

This is a true story about bad people

It stars me as the ringleader of the evil

I picked up a girl I was trying to nail for four years

All it took was a four pack of wine coolers

And a six pack of imported beer

We stole her dad’s car and headed for the border

A state trooper stopped us and it became murder

I told her we had to make a suicide pact

Then I nailed her again to validate the act

She said “I know this place we can get some shrooms”

Fucked up sitting in some graveyard tomb

Next came Nial to deliver the bad news

The president had decided guys couldn't marry other dudes

It was like a switch flipped and all the roaches scurried

I was trying to buy some time because I was so worried

So out of the cemetery we hurried

To make haste to the capital

And burn down the damn place

Now we’re terrorist suspects on the loose

Driving at night without headlights

Playing chicken with cars that don’t know

And we’re all hitting the Gray Goose

Just then a thought pops into my head

We could have a foursome if we convince her to go lez

Nial shakes with laughter as he says

“I never knew you were into me that way, Campbell”

I thought about hooking the battery up to his nipples

Then he drops the bottle between his legs

Looks around for it and comes up with a Glock

“Nial, what do you need that for? You’ve already got a big cock!”

By now, she’s starting to pass out

I’m thinking we should throw her ass out

But I don’t want to slow down or stop

I don’t want to hear the sound when she drops

Nial says he thinks he sees a cop

I tell him that I hope the gun’s cocked

We end up on the west coast in the sun

It’s all hollow now, just a ghost of the fun

We had the previous two days on the run

We’re all over the news and papers

The girl stops putting out so I have to rape her

I was trying to think fast, too fast for me

So I wrote it all down here

And worded it rather poorly

Now we’re at the top of the Space Needle

It’s dirty and makes my veins ache a little

Nial’s foaming at the mouth from peyote

He ate the whole bag and left none for me

He’s seeing the future and we kill a Senator

I could leave him there right now, but what for?

Our destiny was chosen before time was frozen

That’s how we stopped the bullets in the air

While the guns were still smoking

I was trying to buy time but Nial was selling it

We hugged like brothers, but not gay

More like a common fellowship

We made it down the stairs before anyone noticed

Slipped into the car and that’s when she showed up

“Hey, motherfuckers, you threw me out the car!”

We sure did, but somehow, here you are

Shots rang out from every direction

Nial floored the car through an intersection

Ambulance hit a police car and spun into a firetruck

We had just killed three people with bad luck

Now it was time to get rid of this dumb slut

She was on the side of the road before the door shut

Now Nial looks at me and says he knows a shortcut

I call him a foreigner and he shuts up

But somehow this road has gone in a circle without noticing

Because there she is again like a case of herpes

I stop the car and ask her what our future is

She says “A bullet in each of your heads”

We apologize for ditching her and offer her some weed

She throws it out the window but swallows all the seeds

Now we’re headed to a dry cleaner

For a KKK meeting

We plan to disrupt the proceedings

But now her stomach’s sprouting seedlings

There’s no way we can make it in time

Nial says we have no choice

We already picked a life of crime

And there’s something wrong with his voice

I notice as he shouts

He’s got a bullet lodged in his throat

It went in but never came out

I ask if he wants a doctor

He says “Just one more toke”

I give him the pipe so proper

And he’s laughing like this is a joke

At the end of the road lays the edge of the world

We made it here at last

Nial, me and the girl

Are the only ones that notice the blast