EZEKIEL (V.O.):

Zed and I were finished. Vette had ruined us for each other. He had said my life was wasted and he wasn’t going to watch anymore. We were finished, he had walked away. All for Vette. I was running to stop Vette from walking out on my life. I was covered in blood and smelled of cigarettes and alcohol. I knew from the angle of a certain tree that the road would prove solid and the horse would fall. I was not meant to be surprised by anything. Something about the shade of blue in the sky, the clinched fists inside me, told me that I would make it in time to stop her. I didn’t care. I wanted to go all the way.

It is payment of a pittance. There is no dishonor in-

The Ordnung codifies scripture, but scripture needs no clarification in such a case. We are being asked too much and afforded too little consideration.

We have an agreement with the English world. Our community exists because of their good will.

A community does not exist if we give in to their picklocks. It is not our place to change tradition. We do not adapt for this world.

Why is this the sorest issue facing us? Have we not always woven the fabric back together when holes are found?

We have held our tongue on too many occasions already. What has this government done aside from try to change us?

They have allowed us to live peacefully in a violent world. They have respected our freedom and-

They have taken our freedom. They give money to other farmers to strain our settlements. It is called subsidizing and they do it in secret. They build concrete roads through our homesteads so that horses throw a shoe. And, now, to label ourselves for the outside world. It is disgraceful. Does not the scripture expressly forbid ornamentation in presentation?

I feel our community slipping away by the day. They intrude, purposely and without apology. They consider us beholden to them. We live at no one’s mercy but the Lord. Small intrusions over time. Have you not built a dam to protect crops by the river? Do the big holes just appear or do the small holes gain until the dam is no more? The most important moment in a wall’s life is when it admits a crack.

LEVI:

Ezekiel, you should take interest in your community.

EZEKIEL:

I’ll just milk the-

LEVI:

The milk was gathered and stored hours ago. Your mother called for you. She worries you sleep the day away. As do I.

EZEKIEL:

I have arranged a meeting with Zed.

LEVI:

This affects all of us, Ezekiel. You think us gravely separate from the world but that separation must be- Look when I speak to you!

LEVI:

Our settlement will only survive through careful adherence to the scripture. And yet you are out the night, out the day. I see you with Zedediah, throwing rocks at each other and fighting with sticks. Why do young boys always play at killing each other?

EZEKIEL:

I am not a young boy anymore. We have not taken to the sticks since I was a child.

LEVI:

Yes, you are almost a man now. But you still play at killing. Killing each other, killing yourself. You think I don’t smell alcohol on your breath, even the following morning? You play at killing, but play is not what men do. Killing is not what we do.

(Beat.)

Sleeping through your chores does not deny them. Return early for I will see your mother has new chores for you this night.

If I had to explain my story, I would start it there, that day that Ezekiel Raber was shot. I would have to first explain that I am Amish, and Old Order Amish at that, as Spike told me. Our ways are not your ways nor are yours ours. And what you think you know about us is all wrong. I am not a member of the Amish faith yet because I do not believe in the Amish life. We do not baptize our children. As teenagers, like me, we get to enjoy the English world so that we may truly choose to live this way. It is called rumspringa and I had been in mine for three months. Girls start younger than boys and end earlier. Some boys, like Spike, do not come back. Most of the teenagers enter the church after their rumspringa. They are baptized and welcomed to take part in life in this community. I never asked to live this life and I had chosen to leave.

This is a story that you may not understand. All that mattered at that time was Zed, who I was losing touch with, and Vette, who I was growing closer with. I had started my rumspringa with gladness in my heart for the new experience and for the freedom I would have. It was like quenching a thirst I did not even know I’d hungered for my whole life. Freedom was life to me and this was my first taste. What I never could have guessed was that I could lose myself when looking for answers. And that I could find myself only by losing the things most important to me. This is the story of my rumspringa and no one can tell it for me.

I think we should go into town. I could enjoy a milkshake, I could.

That plan sounds awfully simple, quite unlike you. Also unlike you, that plan might work.

I could beat you at this shucking, I could. Your hands are too small.

The day my small hands lose out to your unspoiled fingers would be the day to walk away from all work for I surely will have learned nothing.

Is that a challenge? Would you wager five dollars on it?

Wager? We’d like to be Mennonites to engage in challenges for money. Put your back into something, Ezekiel, because it is right to work. Show you know more than the English way.

I envy the English, I do. They certainly do not do as we. You would not find one of them here shucking corn.

You’d do well to end your imaginings of the happy English world. So gifted are they at happiness that they kill each other and wall themselves away from their neighbor.

You’ve come to lose this contest and shame yourself, it would seem. Help me to move this to the back of the house and I can continue it free of your complaints.

I complain only for fear that your ears become accustomed to the proud talk of this community. There is much talk about me. I’m dumb, Zed. I’ve made mistakes in their eyes and there are things I can never take back.

ZEDEDIAH:

You could never be called dumb, Ezekiel. Worldly, more like. But near everything can be taken back. Put your faith in the judgment of this community. Wise are they who listen to their neighbor, for their neighbor is themselves.

Is that why you stick by me? Is that the way of it?

No. I stick by you because you are my friend.

You’ve always led me into trouble, I consider it my duty to walk you out of it.

There’s that Ezekiel. He looks not to have shaved, doesn’t he?

I doubt his father would allow that.

Does Zedediah speak of him?

His father?

No, that Ezekiel. I could favor him if you’ve heard good.

He’s so handsome. He’s got a walk about him, so confident. Don’t you think he’s handsome? What does Zed say?

It would be much easier if he were not around Zed.

They can’t be up to good.

Don’t even look. You are like to be doing it yourself if you look. I’m sure they have some kind of law about it and your father would pay.

What does it look like? They shot him.

I can feel it right here. Right up against the muscle.

I really think we should call the police. We need an ambulance, we need-

Damn Amish! Think you know better than us! You shouldn’t even come here! We don’t want you here! Could have been one of ours that got shot because of you!

They hate us, Ezekiel!

Stop calling! Stop it! Put that thing away!

Just let us leave! Let us go back to our community!

Townsman:

Let them go. Police always know where to find the trouble in this town. It’s always their kids.

We call our community ort des friedens. It means “place of peace.”

Just watch the road; it is known for twisting when you take your eyes off it.

Your chores do not expire. This excitement has surely fueled some speculation but the excitement is best saved for those who have earned it.

I am pleased with you today. Returning to the community with this problem was the right thing to do. You have acted as a man does.

I did as I thought you would. Because that makes you happy.

You think I disapprove your need for mischief.

I disapprove of greater things than that. It would not please me to merely see you attend to your chores each day. I want to see you happy with your relationship with the Lord and what he’s given you.

Because one day you will rise before me and tend to the milking, you‘ll tend to the farming. Because I will wake to find you smiling about your place in life, not even a word of apology or thanks asked. I do not demand it, but it is what will happen when the time is right, and I will be grateful that you have become a man.

I did not teach you to breathe, yet you do it. Three of the calves are of age for milking. Would you tend to these cows?

The responsibility will be yours.

And I could sell the milk? Or even the cows, if
I wanted?

Of course. Though, I can’t imagine you would want to sell your livelihood so soon.

And I could do with the money what I please?

You labor the money. I think you’ll see when you have your own family: The money doesn’t mean anything. The money is not important and even when it goes, it will find its way back to your hands. I am giving you what I believe you earned today and it will be your responsibility to prove yourself to the Lord. He has blessed us this day.

Take the night to think it over. You would do well to live here on the ground instead of up above. You are a part of this community, Ezekiel, I hope you understand that. And you should feel honored to share this land with your family and friends.

You will because it is right. Now wipe those eyes and let me hear no more of the English world, for once. I could have lost you this day.

What chance do I have with a mother like this?

I think my father and your mother should have married. They suit each other. Can I walk you home?

I think my mother would prefer it were Zed. As would he.

Zed is busy saving the community, as always.

I would like to be in your favor. I know I would wrong Zed, but-

You become entirely too familiar, Ezekiel.

They have not taught us the words to say what I feel, familiar or not. If I would be in your heart, it would make all right with the world.

But I am meant for Zed. My mother reminds me such often.

Zed has not the ability to understand what we could have between us. Did you see them? Visiting over a dead boy not for his death but for the change it brings to their routine. My father had words for me over this. But not the right words.

And what of us? What are the right words?

I am content not to be one of those that must name everything. I suspect there are no words for what I feel.

Oh, but you do know the words. You know every word I could ever think of and more. I do not favor him, Ezekiel, I think you know. You could tell me the right thing to say to him. I’ll write it on my hand and recite it to him.

And then you would make a fist and be no better off. They have cheated us, Vette.

That’s horrible to think of your parents and community.

It’s horrible to raise us as they have. Do you not wonder why my brother left the community? It was not for fear of being plain. It was fear of being father. He has given me cows to tend and this will give me money. I plan to leave and I would ask that you come with me. But I must know I am in your favor, for I fear I am not.

And what if you were?

Your favor and devotion runs with the train, out of this town and into a city. You do not tutor the English girls for money, you feed on their gossip. You want to leave after your rumspringa, I know this.

That’s a stupid thing to say. My rumspringa is just begun and you are intent on speaking familiar.

I am trying to say what I feel for you and my confession is like to be my alibi.

For feeling the skin so soft that I must cleanse with milk after touching it. For enjoying your smile that is meant for my friend. For making me realize the loss of my words to explain myself on this score.

I’m sorry. I’ll apologize a hundred times for that. But you must know that a wall doesn’t fall at once. Its most important moment is when it first admits a crack. You were the crack in my heart from the moment I saw you and I almost hate my friend for asking of you first.

Would you have me as Zed would?

Never. It would be a crime of the worst kind to imprison you here for always. I would have you, but not the smallest bit as he would. I do not want a bride in name, I want a lifetime with you in freedom.

The worst part is that I do care for Zed. I do. He is a great person and my mother would love that match. But you are something I could never imagine. And I think you try to switch one for the other. I feel a bit rushed by it, something I’ve never felt with Zed.

I would speak to you familiar but we should not speak of Zed in such a way. I feel as though we plot.

Aye, plotting is all we do on this walk.

Do not depart without telling me I am in your favor. At least give me that much, so that I may relive during supper and charm you within my heart until the singing.

But you know I must attend the singing with Zed. You know I am with your friend and it is you that thinks of trading one for the other. And don’t carry your wounded look throughout, that face will give us away.

You are the one that plots. I have declared nothing to you and you ask me to run away with you. I am trying to do right, Ezekiel. I must depart. I will see you at the singing and I hope you will join us in our song.

Every song I join tonight will be to share with you. Every song I sing will be with the hidden message of a boy that favors a girl.

There is a sort of a secret in relationships in the Amish world. Parents usually do not acknowledge that their child is with another, they play dumb in this instance. There is a beautiful tradition of playing dumb in this community. I wanted to take Vette to the singing, that night and every night after. But it was Zed that took her. They had even done the ritual of sharing a bed, in clothes, and not touching. Just being near each other and sharing their moment together. I would it were me in his place and I hoped that soon it would be.

One of the cows is blind and takes to wandering. I go searching for him the field over. He reminds me of Ezekiel in that way, aye.

Chrystena asked after Ezekiel today. She said she could favor him.

That would make me most happy. She could be one to straighten him. He’s schwaddy, near be. I wouldn’t say a word against him, but I think you know too. He’s the cut-up, the joker.

Aye, he’s a handful. My mother says his father near worries to death over him.

His father worries only for the community, Ezekiel tells me. I must ask Ezekiel if he has talked of movement. Can’t abide the thought of plowing land that my grandfather did not plow, dangerous as it seems here after this afternoon. But we must stand against evil.

Is it? I don’t know. I walk you to the singing and I have shared my bed with you, as my parents and theirs before them.

Not exactly as your parents.

Aye, that is true, surely. I would not presume to share my love in such a way before marriage.

I would not presume for the other that it is love.

Do not take it personal, Zed. I just want more time to figure out what it is that I feel. Can you just give me time before declaring us?

Aye, patience is the farmer’s virtue. I am sorry if I have insulted in any way. I just…I know what I feel, Vette. I am not one to pressure but right is right and I think you feel this too. I see it in your eyes at times, you do have a love inside you.

I love…singing. I love to…dance in the rain after the chores are done. I love to teach the English our German and hear their gossip about television and boys.

I love the Lord and what he’s given us. I love my mother for all she has done. I do not go wanting for love, I do not suffer from a lack of it. But to love you after only a few weeks of this time between us…

I will not force it. Right is right and it is meant to happen as it does. Even were I not your kal, I trust the Lord to have made the choices for us for good cause.

I had never considered thanking the Lord in times we do not get what we want.

That is when you must thank him the most.

And why is that?

For love. Because he guides us and never gives worse than we can handle. Even when he presents the rod, he also gives the fruit. The Lord’s love is a wonderful thing, Vette.

I think so. Yeah. Sure. I would lose your love to keep his, always.

Ezekiel will be at the singing tonight. He is coming alone, as you’d expect once you learn what to expect from him. Perhaps Chrystena could sit beside you?

Yes, I think she would appreciate that very much. Her kal on the other hand…

I think you will find that some girls want many beaus at once. It is a woman’s way, I think. You would expect it if you came to learn what to expect.

Has your father talked of movement? Is there fear after this day’s events?

But does he want to relocate? And would we stay here?

You are thinking of Spike’s, aren’t you?

What has Spike to do with movement?

I know it was he that got that Raber shot today. You do wrong in going there.

Father approves, why do not you?

Your father does not know what goes on there. I worry for you, Ezekiel, that is all.

You worry that I would be shot as well?

Or to prison. It is unlawful what you do there.

FIRE! There is a fire at the Yancy’s!

We are taking a risk meeting at a time like this. People will talk if we are seen.

You talk casually of fear while you stand there shaking. Is it the cold? Because there is a fire down the lane that you could warm yourself at.

To you and to my dreams. The whole community may burn if it likes, I walk without fear for I am in your favor, I am sure of it. I will leave and I ask again for you to join me.

Leave with you? Call Zed my kal? What does it profit a girl to make a choice in this community? I’ll surely be wrong in any decision. I can’t help thinking of your brother.

His mistakes are not ours. He did not leave, he was driven out. He could accept the hard labor, but not dealing with father.

Do you know what became of Michael? I last saw him in a courtroom. He cheated people out of money. He lied and took their money so they brought him in and let him go and then he lied and took more money so they put him in prison.

It’s not something father wants known. He told me he will regret it but once, and that will be always.

He used to send money. Father would not spend it. It is in a cabinet, in a jar, preserved. I think he’s in California. Why are you so far from me? I can not touch you from this side of the fence.

Then the fence must stay. If we are seen to be close there would be no secret to keep.

Why are we to accept that this is any sort of party? Boys and girls sitting on opposite sides of a table, singing. I want excitement. I want to feel what you feel, Ezekiel.

Spike is a legend! His rumspringa was like seven years ago and he never came back! He bought this little trailer right off the community and lets all the guys come over here!

Vette. Girls are meant to have a different rumspringa than us.

I sleep in here. And I have to stay here when people come over.

Well come out of there. You scared me near to death.

Just like a dog. The chocolate I mean, not being in the closet.

She’s got the same problem dogs do. Chocolate has theobromine and her body can’t metabolize it quickly. If she has too much of it, she’ll die.

It’s not like in fairytale books.

What is a fairytale?

The bullshit they feed the English kids so they don’t give up before they start. Do you always interrogate someone you’ve just met?

Does it bother you?

How many questions are left?

We’re saying goodbye to a friend. Come have a beer, I’ll be happy to answer all your questions in the order they are received.

Ezekiel, I have been meaning to discuss The Catcher in the Rye with you. Have you read it?

Is it about farming?

It follows the exploits of errant anti-hero Holden Caulfield. He has built himself a protective wall that allows him to condescend to everyone he encounters, at least in his ongoing mental narrative. The purpose of this, incidentally, is to safeguard his own fragile ego. You see, he can not truthfully face himself, so it is easier to hate everyone he meets. But I do not broach this subject with you for that reason, errant anti-hero though you may likewise be. I also see the novel as a story about paralysis, perhaps the great contemporary theme thanks to this book and the work of Chekhov and Beckett. I feel you too are paralyzed, despite your great dreams. I believe you are sincere in your opposition to the Anabaptist life, just as I was. And I also feel you think of leaving, casting off on your own, pure Horatio Alger. You’ve swallowed all you can here, that is for certain.

But I fear you will not take this to heart. Much like Holden, you would rather fight blindfolded because you can’t stand the face you will see as you swing. That face is you, Ezekiel, always. I hope you forgive me speaking so bluntly, I feel that honesty is about the best policy in this world.

Don’t worry about it. I only understood every third word anyway.

Fresh air is not what I need, merely the air breathed only by us.

Had I known you would prefer staring at the stars to the party, I would have gotten us some wine to share.

I kindly ask you to hold my hand while I make sense of this night. Nothing more is required and no more asked.

Except a kiss.

Do you notice we fit so perfectly? I would enjoy your kiss right now. Now more than ever.

There is no need to be frightened. I decided that tonight I would kiss you proper while at the singing. Each moment until now has just been waiting.

I’m not frightened of kissing you. I’m worried that I will have to stop kissing you eventually.

I’ve never had one of my longings come true before. I can’t stop the shaking. I can’t. I’m telling my body not to tremble and yet it does.

Calm, Ezekiel. Just be calm. Should we return to the party instead?

It appears you would be very bored at that. No, I enjoy this. I want to share this moment with you.

I’m sorry. I do not mean to be forceful. This is new to me also.

No, I mean to say that there is an order in my fantasy. First we kiss and then I feel your breast and you feel my manhood. Then I touch between your legs while we kiss.

This does not frighten you?

No, this feels good. It feels right, in the strangest way possible.

Perhaps we should rush and just finish it. So we may approach it another day when it is not new to us.

I’ll do the same, I fear you would have worse success with my garments.

Never have I dreamed it would be this…fumbling. I never considered that I am ill prepared for my own fantasies when they come true. I feel lied to by my own imaginings.

No. I love you, Vette. I love you as the creek loves the bed. You guide me home in all ways. I love you like-

You only have to say it once for me to know it is true this night. I never thought it would be anything like this. But now, I know it can be and that’s okay.

This…is better than I thought it would be, despite it all.

I feel so foolish living in fear of what we have done. Do the English feel the fool when they do such?

I’ve been told so as to believe it that love makes the fools.

I’m not sure what we’ve done here this night. The path we’ve chosen.

We can never tell, can we?

Your father and my mother and Zedediah and… We’ve made fools of them all, for no reason other than passion. We must swear to secrecy on the bond of our love.

Leave the rooftops be. You know we are not meant for each other in this life. But what we have done can never be spoken of.

An ending it may need to be. Maybe it was a mistake if we-

I call it a mistake because it has closed the doors. Before, it was possible to relate it as youthful playing. We’ve always played at love among each other. But now, we are stuck here. We will always have to deceive to continue in the community. If anyone learned the truth…

I worry not what others think. I worry what you think, and did not even do that before you called it a mistake. Now I worry it very much.

You do worry it, just as I. We are still of the community. We’ve not left yet.

I’m sorry, Ezekiel. I seek only to speak the truth with you. If I have to live a lie in front of the community, at least allow me the truth in your presence.

But the truth is there was no mistake here. You are beholden to their lies. They train you to be of the community, they do it from birth.

I am spoken for, Ezekiel. I am sorry I’ve ruined what we just shared but I must leave. I am past curfew and probably smell of cigarettes.

I think you can find your own way home. It will not be as simple for me.

You hook your hand, you do. It throws off the balance.

Vette comes to visit.

Do not mention I said it, but she has been odd these last days.

It could be womanly troubles. I’ve heard talk of such.

Womanly troubles would not explain her distance of late. But she brings that Chrystena with her. I think she could fancy you.

We’ve been in town where there is a man dressed as a chicken handing out slips of paper!

They are paid to do such. I have heard talk of it.

I find it foolish. Are we meant to think he is actually a chicken?

Mayhap someone will take a shot at him and we will see.

I’m sorry, Ezekiel. I forgot you were there with Raber. My mouth runs faster than my brain at times.

That shooting had naught to do with me.

We saw you talking to him that day. Didn’t we, Vette?

I find it best to hear and see little when in town.

You’re gifted at that, you are.

What little did you see that day, Vette?

It was more what I heard that my mind returns to.

What did you hear?

Gossip about boys that could be fancied.

I’m done to death with fancying anyone.

I’m sad to hear that because I know a girl that fancies you very much.

I hope you will tell her that he could fancy her back. You could use a partner, Ezekiel.

Do you fancy her back?

I can not say it with a certain someone watching over my shoulder. I’d rather be free to say it just to your ear.

Do you run from me now?

I run from carelessness. You would declare love in front of Zedediah.

No, I said-

I heard what you said. And I also heard words you did not say but were ready to. And I thought it best to leave.

Just tell me you favor me as I you.

I have been scared for so long, Ezekiel. I have been terrified, near to be. Over you. And you have not made it easy for me.

I never meant to cause harm.

Hold up. Just stop and let me talk to you.

We must get back. They think we talk of Chrystena and I would rather they think such.

But what should I say to her? What should I-

Now you know my position. It will make it more difficult, but this is the path we chose.

I just want to be in your favor, Vette.

You always have been.